Your wife is your partner, best friend, confidante, and simply the most amazing person in your life. But then, she gives birth to your first baby, and all of a sudden she’s become an entirely different person. You’re left wondering what happened to the sweetest, most affectionate, and most caring person you ever know of.
You had great sex before. But now she seems to lose interest in you. She no longer wants to be touched but says it’s nothing personal. She’ll then give you a litany of everything she’s doing. You may find her reasons valid, but still, there is that gnawing feeling inside you that says you’re not okay with it.
No matter what she says, that voice inside you keeps telling you that she’s rejecting you and that she no longer needs you. Every time you start to caress her, she’ll find something to do that’s important for her.
As your wife’s world starts to revolve around the baby, you feel you’re being excluded and your only role is to be there for financial support. Tension then starts to spark between you.
Statistics says about 40% of first time mothers have no sexual relations with their husbands for up to two years. This is the most critical time when couples don’t talk about it more openly. They allow things to get heated up without digging into the real cause. Wives are overcome with great responsibilities and husbands feel they’re being rejected.
The lack of sex is the issue no one wants to talk about, though it’s the major reason. And it’s something that most often overlooked during prenatal or family classes. Or even when it’s discussed, the exciting parents may not give it importance because they’re more focused on the coming of the baby. The nursery room preparations, baby clothes, toys, possible name, choice of hospital and doctors, and many other things that need immediate attention, especially when the delivery date is fast approaching.
All these things deprive you of thinking about what will come of your sex life when the baby arrives. And your role as a father didn’t prepare you for this. So how are you to cope up in what seems to be a nightmare in your sex life? The first thing you need to do is accept what your wife tells you: it’s nothing personal. She still loves you unless she’ll bluntly tell you she no longer does, which is not often the case.
She Doesn’t Want Sex Anymore
There are many reasons why women lose interest in sex after giving birth. Some of them are the following:
Nature designed the woman’s body in a way that accommodates every area of her life. Starting from pregnancy, her body prepares for colostrum, which is a nutritious fluid that keeps babies healthy and boosts their immune system.
As the mother continues to produce colostrum, her prolactin levels increase to produce more milk during this lactation period. This is good news for the baby, but may not be for the daddy.
The increased levels of prolactin also decrease the mom’s estrogen levels. A drop in the estrogen levels results to vaginal dryness, and ultimately to painful sex.
Your baby relies so much on his mother to thrive. She does everything to ensure he’s healthy and taken care of. She feeds him whenever he wants to. If your baby is a boy, he’s likely to suck for more milk twice than a baby girl does.
This alone can lead to sleepless nights. Add to that the changing of nappies, soothing him every time he cries, burping him after feeding, and giving him baths. All these responsibilities can take its toll on your wife. When her body is stressed, she’ll likely lose interest in sex.
Physical and Emotional Trauma
A woman’s body goes through a lot before, during, and after giving birth. Before birth, she needs to prepare herself physically. During birth, two cases may happen. If she delivers through vaginal birth, she may have a perineal tear, which can be repaired through stitching. If the baby is bigger, she might go through a surgical incision of the perineum to allow delivery, and which should be repaired too. Above all, if she has to deliver through a cesarean section, it may take a longer time to heal her stitches. All of this means your wife is completely taking care of the baby while healing herself physically too.
At this point, some women get traumatized by their experience that they refuse to have sex with their husbands for the fear of getting pregnant again too soon.
There are also some cases wherein the husband can get traumatized on seeing the pain and difficulties his wife went through during childbirth. This makes him afraid to have sex with her a few weeks or even months after it.
Some new moms go through postpartum depression. This situation is characterized by feelings of sadness, loneliness, and guilt because they feel they’re unable to bond or care for their baby. It usually happens during the first three weeks after birth and is often caused by the changes in hormones, history of depression, and stress or problems.
Your wife may lose interest in sex as her body adjusts to the sudden drop of her hormones. Or the stress of being a new mom may have taken its toll on her physically and emotionally. Whatever the case, if she suffers from postpartum depression, tell your doctor immediately about it so that she’ll be given some medications to ease her symptoms.
What To Do
Being a new parent is never easy, especially when you don’t have other people around who can help you take care of the baby other than the two of you. You need to understand what your wife goes through, and if you can, set aside your personal needs for the time being.
Other men in the same situation admitted they had extramarital affairs, but still didn’t get the kind of satisfaction they get with their wife. If this is your dilemma, the following strategies may help to cope with this:
Talk about it.
Have an open and honest communication about each other’s feelings. Be open to your wife with your thoughts of being rejected. By putting it into the open, you’re likely to stop believing your wife no longer loves you.
Don’t be in a hurry
Don’t rush your wife. Give her the much needed time to rest and repair herself. You can still cuddle and caress each other even without sex.
Spend time together
If the baby is asleep, give her a treat. Prepare a dessert she loves and eat together. Or watch TV. No matter how short the time you spend together, it matters a lot for both of you and the relationship.