Sex

BDSM: HOW TO BE A RESPONSIBLE DOM

BDSM woman tied with lace sitting on man's lap who uses Progentra

In the world of bondage and discipline, domination and submission, and sadism and masochism (BDSM), the dominant, or the Dom or Top, is a very big responsibility as you are always in control, making choices, and getting the praise and repercussions that come with being the decision-maker. Here are six things you need to know to be a responsible, safe, Dom.

SAFE WORD SAFETY

Most couples who enjoy this lifestyle use a safe word. This word is rarely “no” because in the heat of passion “no” isn’t as reliable as you think it would be. Often, this safe word is “red” for stop or “yellow” for slow down. The safe word can be anything that is distinctive safe word spelled with tiles for BDSMenough to be issued when things are getting too intense. As the dominant, aka Dom, you run the events of the sexual play, but most often, your submissive, aka sub, determines the pace.

When your sub screams, says, or whispers, the agreed-upon safe word, you must stop, immediately. Even if you want to proceed, you must stop so you will not go past your sub’s boundaries. That’s part of your job. As the Dom, your self-discipline, respect, love, and compassion must be iron-clad, because your sub has given you consent to control them. They trust you, your judgment, integrity, and your willpower. And you trust them to hold tight to their boundaries.

DON’T ACCEPT MISTAKES

No one intentionally makes mistakes, but as the Dom, it is your job to ensure there are no mistakes by practicing, discussing and learning about all potential sexual play and toys before attempting it on your sub.

Trying a new whip? How much force is needed?

Buying a new toy? How do you use it? What are the safety precautions?

What kind of lube do you need?

All of these aspects are yours to handle. Your job is to push your sub’s boundaries but never to break them. If you break their boundaries, you have broken the trust they’ve given you, and you are not doing your job well. Your sub should be excited to come back for more play not dreading it.

Nearly every facet of the Dom/sub relationship is dangerous, whether mental or physical, so no sexual act should ever be pulled out in the middle of sexual play. Keeping an honest, open line of communication is paramount to ensuring you don’t make mistakes. Practice and knowledge are crucial. Just because it looked hot in that video doesn’t mean you introduce this new aspect on the fly. Plan, practice, discuss, get consent, and then execute.

HONESTY IS MANDATORY

Being brutally and brazenly honest is key in a Dom/sub relationship. You must factor in three different kinds of honesty.

  • Be honest with yourself: who you are, what do you want, need, and what do you not need or want.
  • Be honest with your sub: tell them what you want and need from them, and tell them what you can offer them. Regardless of how difficult it is, you must tell them what you can achieve, not what you think they’d love to hear. As the Dom, these decisions are yours to make.
  • Ensure your sub is honest with you: make sure you and your sub are on the same page, limit-wise and acts desired. You need to ensure they aren’t telling you what you want to hear. You must make sure they’re telling you the truth. If you break a sub’s limits by doing what you think they want because that’s what they said, then it will hurt as much as if did what they didn’t want.

Oftentimes, the sub isn’t sure what they want, need, or where their limits are. Most aren’t intentionally setting out to deceive you, but without experiencing the actual situation they may not be sure of their reaction. They may want to please you so may come off more confident than they could possibly be without the experience. As the Dom, you must ensure you aren’t going past their limits, as they may not know where the actual limit is.

When something bad happens, the responsibility is all yours. Throughout any play, you must make sure your sub is safe, calm, and healthy. If a mistake is made, it must be discussed openly, honestly. During this time, unconditional support and compassion must come from you and more sexual play may not happen that night, or even longer. As the Dom, you must always keep in mind that:

EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOUR SUB

naked Progentra user with blindfolded woman in front of him BDSMThough you are controlling the events, the ultimate goal is to please your sub. You should always be a gentleman, focused on your sub, and make all choices that will benefit your sub. He/she has given you trust over their entire self and you have chosen to accept that. This selfless trust from your sub requires you to accept it, selflessly. Use it, selflessly. If you are a selfish Dom, you cannot be a good Dom. A good Dom proves at every moment that he respects the control and power given to him and will use it to please the person who has submitted.

TOY TIPS

As you get further in the BDSM lifestyles, you’ll learn and use many toys, props, and tools. These must be respected. Here are some tips when adding accessories to your sexual play.

  • Know the proper usage, limits, and safety measures of each and every toy
  • Clean toys before and after play
  • Keep toys organized and stored in the correct conditions. This is a great sign of your commitment.
  • If there is a lock (including handcuffs), keep it locked. By doing this, you’ll always know you have the key.
  • Don’t hide your toys. As a proud Dom, display them in your playroom or wherever you enjoy your sexual relations. Though, not on your mantle in the living room. That’s flaunting, not pride.

So, you’ve learned the basics of being a responsible Dom. As you can see, this is a large responsibility that must be taken seriously.

Learn, apply, have fun.

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